Thursday 8th, late in the afternoon; core Christmas think-tank will assemble at Bell End, tasked with nailing down cocktail recipes for the much vaunted Festival of the Immaculate Placenta, 15th December (which we confidently anticipate you will all be attending). Facebook followers will be rendered engorged by the news that the new piano – a 1927 R Howard with one sticky key and a few missing veneers – will be at the stable door of Bell End this afternoon, and we are deep in negotiations with a suitably whacked out virtuoso to tinkle its injured ivories. Go gargle Wild Turkey and warm up your ‘And behold, it abhors not the virgin’s womb’ action. Twister has also arrived, as have engraved Bell End rocks glasses; free to the first 50 cross-eyed dipsomaniacs.
It has been established that gin will be deeply implicated; Bluecoat from Philadelphia and Breukelen from, well, Breukelen. Other nominated ingredients include fresh pomegranate, slivered ginger, juniper dust, smoked English sardine, cold-pressed extra-virgin virgin’s urine, archangel snot, hip mama’s colostrum, crushed edelweiss, seal pup tears, shaved unicorn horn. Kit also keeps barking on about home-made egg nog, which sounds like nothing less than a goblet of cold pus, but we he assures us is actually quite delicious, if you can disable the gag reflex.
So; Thursday 8th. Tree-and-pube trimming the Bell End way, clippers and disinfectant on the house. Gentl Alchemy by Andrea, presided over by Head Warlock Selwyn (whose flowing mane now rivals an Arabian filly), Marc Hundley the Licking Elf and Squaw Matriarch Nancy Iacoi. Also hazing of prospective Bellenders India Adams, Luke Meyer, Su Barber, Kit Martin, Constance Giamo, Heathermary Jackson, Clint Simonson, Geoffrey Freeman, Sara Glick and Emily Anderson. Breast baring and ritual scarification for those with breasts (Kit, Luke, Clint, Geoffrey). Also indoctrination – but no pube trimming – of Bellenders inchoate including (but not limited to) Lula and Sam Hyers, Odette and Eden D’Arthenay-Meyer-Adams-Von-Ribbentropp, William Jackson, Clytemnestra Urubamba, Fifi Giamo, Nelson Mandela O’Mally, etc..
Ding-Dong Merrily on High.