The Christmas Party

Please be on the lookout for a forthcoming announcement regarding the Annual Bell End Christmas Party. In the meantime, an excerpt from Harold Planter’s rarely performed play of the same name.



Dick is standing beside the door.  Jenkins is seated on the rubbish bin cutting pieces of string into short sections.  Peg is ironing a very small handkerchief.  Silence.

Dick:  You a foreigner?

Jenkins:  I don’t have to.  I was invited.  I’m a guest I am.

Dick:  Well?

Jenkins:  Now look here …

Dick:  Do you like my carpet?

Jenkins:  I …

Dick:  Like it?  The pattern? (enunciates) Axminster.

Jenkins:  You shouldn’t say that to me.  I’ve done my service I have.

Dick:  And Wilton.


You remind me of a bloke.

Jenkins:  I never met him.

Silence.  Dick crosses the room, removes his shirt and carefully applies lotion to his armpits.  Pause.  He whistles ‘The British Grenadiers’, picks up a pair of soiled underpants and approaches Jenkins.  Pause.  

Dick:  Kimchi.

Jenkins:  Don’t you, I mean, swearing and that …

Dick:  Bi … bim … bap!

Jenkins:  I could have stayed there, I could.

Dick:  Korean food.  You stink.

Jenkins:  He said I was welcome, he said. One of the family. But it was raining. Cats and dogs it was.

Dick:  You’re like an arab’s arsehole.  You’re stinking the place up.  You make my nose ache.  You an interior decorator?

Jenkins:  Cats and dogs.  I was bloody terrified.  Pissing down.

Dick:  (shouts) Mind your language!  Just … mind it!  Next stop Elephant and Castle, you dirty bugger.  He flicks the underpants in Davies face several times.  

Jenkins:  I had to leave.  Lightning.  And thunder it was.  Terrible.  I got a condition, I have …

Dick:  Have you pooped your pants?  You should get on your bike, mate.

Jenkins:  Diverticulitis.

Dick:  Can I blow in your mouth?

Peg:  They said I was the Belle of the Ball.




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