‘But who shall abide the day of his coming?’
Some holiday parties have Santa: others mistletoe. Some have the fellow with the nose hairs from Human Resources diddling the fat girl from Accounts by the photocopiers. Oftentimes it can feel as though the origins of the celebration – an unsullied girl from a provincial town being knocked up by a deity, thence birthing the Messiah in a rude manger – have been subsumed by the trappings of 21st century consumerism; novelty crotchless underwear, amyl nitrate and fellatio.
‘Every valley shall be exalted …’
In an effort to reconnect with the core traditions of Christmas; on 15th December 2011, some time after 7 pm the Synod of Bell End will unveil a real live virgin, willing and able to undergo conception in accordance with the mysteries of this most sacred time of the year. We have undertaken an exhaustive search of friends and the agency database, and despite not having found anything approximating to a virgin, we are confident that there’s one out there. She will be identified, verified, perfumed and greased with unguents. Neither do we have a deity. But we do have Selwyn; and fortified with Harveys Bristol Cream and a small stack of nun porn we think he’s up to the task at hand (in a manner of speaking).
‘His yoke is easy.’
Purists may point out that we are actually 9 months past the sell-by date, in that Christmas is fundamentally a celebration of the birth of the Lamb of God, rather than the Coitus Celestial. And indeed, the Synod did consider a proposal from Perkin Lovely that Bell End employ as the centerpiece of its celebration the actual birthing of a manchild. But after due consideration it was decided that the screaming, cursing and sweating, not to mention the conspicuous presence of a yawning, distended and bloody vagina in the middle of Abe Kempthorne’s table, were not conducive to the desired spirit of yuletide bonhomie: gouts of placenta on the Jimmy Choos and the risk of meconium splatter.
‘And he shall purify the sons of Levi.’
And for those with tastes less catholic, we will have secular festivities manifold and various, which may or may not include
• a slippery Irish Santa Claus bearing the gift of engorgement
• cocktails hand-spun by Bell End’s resident Madonna of the Jigger Andrea Gentl
• pies, pies and more pies; with mushy marrowfat peas and mashed potatoes.
• the singing of carols
• Marc Hundley The Licking Elf
• Noah Sheldon’s patented self-portrait booth
• Bikram Twister
• Selwyn Lovely’s moving mistletoe encounter
• Henrik Knudsen’s egg nog colonics
• dreidel insertions
• all manner of last minute surprises and guest appearances
All who consider themselves (or indeed strive to be) Bellenders are warmly welcome. Dust off the half bottle of 1992 Goldschlager …
The date again? Thursday 15th December, 7 pm onwards, Bell End, 440 Waverly Avenue in Clinton Hill, Brooklyn.