Bloomville style quail egg pizza and grain-finished muscovy duck be damned. When in England, eat like the English. Better still, having culled Weymouth Oxfam for its Alison Steadman sartorial gems, ring in New Year 2013 by eating like the English circa New Year 1978. Buffet-style. In a 14th-century castle. With liberal use of doilies. Followed by dancing inappropriately on the furniture with old friends in front of your children.
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
Plump mini-chipolatas on sticks in a foil wrapped potato.
Mild cheddar cubes and pickled onions with tinned pineapple chunks on sticks in a foil-wrapped potato
BBQ Beef Monster Munch, Cheese Quavers, Twiglets
Spam and Mild Cheddar, Sandwich Spread and Egg and Cress sandwiches, on white thin-sliced loaf without crusts. Wilted lettuce garnish.
Oven baked sausage rolls
Primula Cheese from a tube on Ritz mini crackers
Black Forest Gateau (previously frozen)
Cucumber, tomato and wilted lettuce salad with yoghurt and picked beetroot centrepiece
Pitted green olives from a jar with alfresco cocktail sticks
Oven-baked battered prawns with a yoghurt/paprika dip
Untouched Linda McCartney Quorn sausage chunks on sticks in a foil-wrapped potato
Tomato Ketchup, Daddy’s Sauce and Yellow Mustard in convenient sachets
Canned red salmon on a hot dog bun with cucumber twist
KP salted peanuts
Branston Pickle in a gravy boat
Grape-garnished Bird’s Instant Whip: chocolate, strawberry and butterscotch flavours
“Auntie Paula and Uncle David laid on a lovely spread”