In an effort to ensure that the sun never sets on the Bell End Empire, we welcome the latest addition to the family: Helmut. Launched last night with a bottle of prosecco (and two thirds of a bottle of Campari) by the impossibly lovely Cheryl Masaitis, ably assisted by Alex Tehrani, Kit Martin, Dean Kaufman and Selwyn Lovely. Post-launch vittles, the Darks, the Stormies, the Manhattans, courtesy of Roman’s. What happened to Sara Glick? And before you ask: yes, we did try to get Helmut in glistening purple, but no, it’s not a colour VW has available.
Helmut augments the already considerable range of Bell End, providing a link between Brooklyn Mission Control and Planet Bovina: grim, featureless, bereft of life. Think of it as a kind of space shuttle with Sirius XM and a mudcake exoskeleton. It is toll-fine resistant, having no visible license plates. It also provides a fourth bedroom for those occasions when all the others (along with couch 1 and couch 2) are already occupied. Not to mention a place to go snog when all the familiar snog-zones are in use. Could use a snog right now, actually. And as you can see, it comes hand-etched with the Bell End logo.
If you hear Helmut coming down your street, playing La Habanera from Carmen, please stop me and buy one.